Hiring Practices Deemed ‘Cruel, Unusual’

Northampton, Massachusetts

In a rather ironic turn of events, the U.N. decided to investigate the “enhanced vetting process” now employed by the City as it attempts to fill several vacancies on its volunteer-staffed Human Rights Commission.

The investigation was launched after the local newspaper conducted a particularly exacting social media autopsy on one volunteer. When said volunteer’s tweets failed to conform with the paper’s sensibilities, a kerfuffle ensued that has since erupted into a worldwide debate over how much small town sanctimony an average news consumer can tolerate.

According to the U.N.’s official findings: “we recommend against giving credence to such a prudish and censorious editorial board in the consideration of future candidates,” adding that “our office deals with real human rights issues on a daily basis. You know, war, genocide, stuff like that. But even we maintain a sense of humor, and we don’t take ourselves too seriously. Northampton should keep that in mind going forward.” The U.N. went on to scold the reporter who originally broke the story, suggesting that the young scribe “focus on the yoga beat.” The Mayor’s office is said to be taking these findings under consideration.