Ronald Stumf (R–Leeds) Challenges Narkewicz

Northampton, Massachusetts

Local voters will face a stark choice for Mayor come November, with controversial real estate entrepreneur Ronald Stumf throwing his trademark baseball cap into the ring this morning. Stumf, long a dissenting conservative voice in Northampton politics, intends to “take the fight directly to David Narkewicz”. His announcement speech set the tone for what’s sure to be a barnburner of a campaign, with Stumpf painting the Mayor as “low energy”, and taunting the handsome, popular incumbent with the nickname “Narcoleptic Narkewicz.”

Stumf, standing in front of an 8’ banner reading ‘Make Northampton HAMP Again’, used the bulk of his speech to focus on his signature campaign issue: “I’m going to build a REAL Tofu Curtain. And I’ll make Holyoke pay for it!” If Stumf wins he promises the “biggest tofu curtain you’ve ever seen. It’ll be amazing. So flavorless and squishy, none of those Holyoke people will dare come near it.”

Readers of the online Daily Hampshire Gazette will no doubt recognize Stumf as hamp4ever76, the commenter who incessantly posts missives on the centuries-old curtain controversy, regardless of the topic of the original article. Stumf insists that he will settle for no less than the full execution of the original plan for the Tofu Curtain, as agreed upon in the Treaty of Ghent, which ended the War of 1812.

To the consternation of his critics, historians have generally conceded that Stumf has a point. The plan outlined in the 1814 treaty (Tofu Velum Consilium, Lat.), represented a long-standing diplomatic and military victory for the young American republic, and it was considered a humiliating concession by a British empire now twice defeated by its former colonies. While the Army Corps of Engineers drafted detailed plans for the Curtain in 1815 and 1816, the project was abandoned early the following year by the new Monroe administration.

Never one to shy away from controversy, Stumf also tackled the transgender public bathroom controversy in the speech, striking a conciliatory tone: “If there’s a public bathroom in Northampton then nobody’s told me about it. Christ there’s like 23 places to buy a hookah downtown and nowhere to take a leak! Someone should really do something about that.”

UPDATE 1: Just before press time the Mayor issued a statement through his campaign office in which he excoriates Stumf: “First off I’m not ‘low energy’. Have you seen my Twitter? I’m all over the place! Second, the idea of a ‘real tofu curtain’ is preposterous. My opponent is a crank and a xenophobe. Plus he’s not even planning to buy the soybeans locally. So out-of-touch with Northampton values. Also I talked to Alex Morse, and they’re broke over there.”

UPDATE 2: The CEO of Tofu Curtain has taken a temporary leave of absence in order to manage the Stumf campaign. But our crack team of writers and editors won’t miss a beat. Be sure to follow this web site for unbiased, up-to-the-minute coverage of what will undoubtedly be an historic election!