Northampton, Massachusetts–This has been perhaps the most caustic and demoralizing election cycle in recent American history. Yet when we compare candidates based on their merits, the answer becomes obvious: Your Mom is the only candidate fit for office.
Based largely on the positions she is willing to take, Tofu Curtain can proudly state that it will get behind Your Mom in 2016, as we have in the past.
Your Mom has a well-earned reputation for bipartisanship, but pleasing such a broad coalition can get rough: there’s no denying that she’s taken it from both sides over the years. And despite being constantly railed by friends and foes alike, she’s the only candidate willing to get on top of this and help America finish what it started.
That’s what America needs right now: someone who won’t just lie down and take it.
Your Mom has fantastic appeal among men of all demographics, and nearly half of all women in the Pioneer Valley approve of her performance. This year’s batch of young new voters can rest assured that Your Mom has what it takes to make their first time memorable.
Your Mom has promised to use every trick she knows to make sure voters come first: she’ll reach around the aisle with a soft, yet experienced, hand, and she’ll bend over backward to improve foreign relations. She promises real leadership at a time when many Americans fear we will soon have a sticky situation on our hands.
It’s time America had a leader who knows how to satisfy the people. Tofu Curtain is convinced that Your Mom has what it takes to blow the competition away in 2016. And based on her recent poll performance, we trust you agree.