Amherst, Massachusetts–Old Glory no longer flies over the rolling green lawns of the bucolic Hampshire College campus. In deference to both student outrage and economic reality, College President Jonathan Lash yesterday announced that the Stars and Bars, which has flown from the campus’ main flag pole since 1970, will be replaced by a banner announcing the college ‘For Sale by Owner’.

In a statement to the press, President Lash declared that “Sadly, our administration has lost control of our enrollment, our endowment, and our student body. As a result the Trustees have authorized me to sell the college to the highest bidder as soon as possible. We’re hoping that our snazzy new solar panels will help us yield a premium.” In an off-the-record interview, one Trustee indicated that possible buyers include nearby Amherst College, which is eager to purchase additional acreage for its varsity golf team.

The pending sale has many students understandably nervous. After all, Hampshire is an ‘alternative college’, where scholars create their own majors and do not receive course grades. Once displaced by the sale, students will need to find a school willing to grant their degree in ‘Yurt Building’ or ‘Alternative Permaculture’. When asked about the future of currently-enrolled students, Lash refused to answer directly. But he was heard to mumble under his breath: “Those ingrates? Who gives a shit. I hope they all get drafted.”