Human rights do-gooders may be up in arms about Donald Trump’s new internment camp for political dissidents, but visitor ratings on sites like TripAdvisor tell a different story: apparently the president is bringing his hotelier’s touch to a very 21st Century gulag. With amenities like plush towels, minibars, and turndown service, some of the “guests” are downright impressed. According to one review: “it’s much better to check in and out of a hotel of your own free will, but if you’re going to be locked-up by an authoritarian regime then you could do a whole lot worse.”

Other reviewers concurred, with comments like “the front desk staff was very accommodating. They even gave me a complimentary beverage before the cavity search.” Common complaints included “poor wi-fi signal” and “lousy selection of porn on the pay-per-view”, but several dissidents praised the “high quality complimentary toiletries” and the “all-you-can-eat continental breakfast with three flavors of Nutraloaf.” As one outspoken opponent of the Trump administration put it: “Yes of course this is a constitutional nightmare, but when the Supreme Court closes this place down I’m totally stealing a fluffy bathrobe!”.

Trump is believed to be the first dictator in history with a knack for the hospitality biz. He’s on record observing that “Mussolini should have worried a little less about train schedules and a little more about thread counts and loyalty programs…I mean yeah we’re gonna round some people up, but we’re not monsters. It’s not like we’re running a Motel 6 over here.”